TEAM HAPILOPPER
Full Nation Name: The Dominion of Hapilopper
Trigramme: HAP
Nickname: The Haps
Team Colors: Blue, Green and Black
Info:
Once again, the world of Hapiloppian football took a sad twist after Nathan Ellis was hospitalized during the last Campionato Esportiva. Ellis, who had been facing a serious bout with double pneumonia, was rushed to a hospital the day after returning to Hapilopper. Concerned about their leader's health, Ellis Football sat out the World Cup 96 campaign as they prayed for the health of their leader. But sadly, Nathan never recovered. The day of the first matchday for World Cup 96 qualifying, Nathan Ellis passed away from complications from double pneumonia. The old Ellis Football squad quietly disbanded, and in his memory, the Hapilopper Football Association put together a squad of players - some from the old Ellis Football team, but many others, a new group of players looking to finally bring Hapiloppian football to the front and center of the international stage. And if there's any motivator to do it, it's for the memory of the spiritual leader of Hapiloppian football.
COACHING STAFF:
ACTING HEAD COACH: Thom Perkins
Following Ellis's death, HFA head Dom Probst announced that the national team will never again have a "head coach," but rather an "acting head coach." Officially, Nathan Ellis is still the head coach of Team Hapilopper, but leading the squad is Thom Perkins, who helped lead Hapiloppian football to the World Cup proper a few years ago. Perkins was seen as the best selection to lead Hapiloppian football in the future following his positive track record of bringing teams together - first in the Baptism of Fire many years ago, and then to qualifying for World Cups 90 and 91. Perkins will rely on a 4-2-3-1 formation for most of the competition.
ASSISTANT COACH: Ernie Stevenson
ASSISTANT MANAGER: Dennis Billett
GOALKEEPING COACH: Mark Tillett
TRAINER: Bill Rothstein
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: Lyndon Auditor
PHYSIO: Tab Butler
My opponent, if they RP first, may do the following:
Choose my goalscorers: Yes
Godmod scoring events: TG me first, or ping me on the NS Sports Discord, and we'll talk about it
RP injuries to my players: Yes, but TG me if you want to do something serious
Godmod injuries to my players: TG me first, or ping me on the NS Sports Discord, and we'll talk about it
Hand out yellow cards to my players: Yes
Hand out red cards to my players: TG me first, or ping me on the NS Sports Discord, and we'll talk about it
Godmod other events: Yes, but TG me first
RP Coronavirus-related events: No. A RL pandemic does not exist in Hapilopper and Hapiloppians do not have it.
Stadium:
Capital Stadium, Hapilopper City, Hapilopper
Built: 1970 | Seating Capacity: 66,025 | Open-Air | Artificial Turf
(Pictured: Capital Stadium in gridiron configuration)
Capital Stadium, Hapilopper's de facto national stadium, is the last of Hapilopper's classic cookie-cutter venues, used for a variety of applications, including the Hapilopper City Nationals baseball team, the Hapilopper National Baseball Team and is the home of Team Hapilopper. As is custom with cookie-cutter stadiums, the park is completely symmetrical and is surrounded by multiple decks of stands, typically filled with screaming fans when the home team is doing well. Back in the 1970s, the HC Nationals, and their vaunted "National Machine" dominated Hapiloppian baseball, and brought over four million fans through the turnstiles on six occasions. Hapiloppian fans have vowed to come to Capital Stadium in force for Team Hapilopper games. Typically, Hapiloppian fans, including the members of the "Traveling Thrashers" supporters group are among the wildest fans in sport, and promise to be exactly that for the World Cup. Expect to see fans dancing along to 1970s funk music, slamming drums as loudly as possible, waving their flags, and throwing streamers for every Hapiloppian goal.
Jerseys:
#1 - LOU HYDE | Goalkeeper | Age: 26 | Kicks: Right | twii.tur: @louis_hyde | Club: United Hampton Cities
Style of Play: Sweeper Keeper | Speed: Medium | Physicality: Medium | Attitude: Brooding
The starting goalkeeper for the new Team Hapilopper squad is Louis Hyde, a dark, brooding figure that doesn't necessarily enjoy being around other people. He enjoys the company of his cat, Smokey, and the slow, mournful tunes he listens to on the radio, but aside from that, not much else. You won't see him at a party, and you won't see him slamming back brews with his teammates. Regardless, his teammates at United Hampton Cities think the world of him - primarily because he does his job well. He's there to stop goals, and he does it with great precision. He doesn't get too emotional and he doesn't let the matter at hand get to his head too much.
#2 - HUNTLEY McCULLOUGH | Defenseman | Age: 26 | Kicks: Left | twii.tur: @mccullough40 | Club: Kingsland Warriors
Style of Play: Defensive Back | Speed: Fast | Physicality: High | Attitude: Asshole
One of several veterans of Ellis Football, Huntley McCullough was constantly compared to a younger Nathan Ellis - which, depending on your point of view, could be either the nicest thing anyone could say about someone or the absolute worst. For the Kingsland Warriors, who love his physical, balls-to-the-wall style of play where he willingly puts himself in harm's way to stop a goalscoring effort, it's about the nicest thing. For fans of other teams and in other countries, it's not a very charitable statement about a ballplayer that they feel is just as likely to wage a holy war on the football field as he is to wage the kind of defense that normal football enthusiasts consider "acceptable."
#3 - ARN MARCH | Defenseman | Age: 25 | Kicks: Right | twii.tur: @EnforcerMarch | Club: The Soldiers (Hapilopper City)
Style of Play: Defensive Enforcer | Speed: Medium-Fast | Physicality: Very High | Attitude: Asshole
If you saw Arnold March at Center Street Pub in Hapilopper City - a place he loves to frequent after matches, you'd think he was a 45-year old middle class father of three who enjoyed a cold beer or two - and in fact, many football fans say March is "like that uncle that loves to kick ass on the weekends." You wouldn't think he was the 25-year old "Enforcer" of the Soldiers squad, a physical and imposing character who has gained quite the attention in the last couple of years for his rough play. In most countries, his play - complete with a signature move called a "spinebuster" where he picks up a player on the opposing team, torques about 90 degrees to the left and drives them into the turf - would be called churlish at best, criminal at worst. But in Hapilopper, it's par for the course and almost to be expected in the wild and crazy world of Hapiloppian sport.
#4 - SCOTT ROUNDTREE | Defenseman | Age: 22 | Kicks: Right | twii.tur: @RoundtreeScott | Club: Halsted Heat
Style of Play: Centerback | Speed: Medium | Physicality: Medium-High | Attitude: Intense
It has been observed among members of the Hapiloppian media that the starting defense of Team Hapilopper is dominated by some real charmers - Rod Cutt, Arnold March and Huntley McCullough. Assholes all. On the other hand, Scott Roundtree might be the biggest exception. Roundtree, the captain of the Halsted Heat squad, is said to be one of the nicer players in Hapiloppian football off the pitch. He involves himself in charity work, feeding the less fortunate and raising money to send children to college. On the field, however, Scott is a tenacious bulldog that can stop offensive efforts with his body and doesn't mind putting himself in harm's way to keep goals from being scored. In a famous incident last year against the West Hampton Sports Club, Roundtree dove in front of the ball in an effort to keep it from hitting the back of the net. Unfortunately, WHSC forward Tommy Hobbs didn't stop in time and kicked Roundtree right in the face. Rather than being pissed off about it, however, Roundtree laughed it off, and an image of a bloodied Roundtree chuckling about getting kicked in the face made newspapers all over Hapilopper.
#05 - ROD CUTT | Defenseman | Age: 26 | Kicks: Right | twii.tur: (Banned from twii.tur) | Club: Minortown SC
Style of Play: Defensive Back | Speed: Medium-Fast | Physicality: Violent | Attitude: Major Asshole
The first player hand-picked by the late Nathan Ellis to be a part of the Ellis Football squad, Rod Cutt was picked to be a part of Ellis Football because of his violent tendencies - and that's putting it mildly. Cutt kicked Mort Teeples in the balls in frustration, receiving a straight red and the ire of the fans in Garvinson. Then he threatened to fight the referee. Then he threatened to fight a few fans. But Nathan loved that kind of style. Nathan loved that kind of attitude and fire, telling friends that "a player like Roddy Cutt is a player that wins me football games, and that's why I brought him in." In Nathan's memory, the HFA has offered this roster slot to Cutt, and a modified version of "The Number of Violence," 05, rather than Nathan's 5, which has been retired in the wake of Ellis's death.
#6 - TIM RADOMIA | Midfielder | Age: 24 | Kicks: Left | twii.tur: @timradomia30 | Club: Garvinson Trojans
Style of Play: Defensive Midfielder | Speed: Medium | Physicality: Only When Necessary | Attitude: Stoner
The good news is that Timmy Radomia, that chill midfielder with the long hair and the weird smile, is still a crucial part of the Hapiloppian midfield. The bad news is that he enjoys his green plants a tiny bit too much, still. Timmy was recently suspended by the Trojans for openly smoking a bong about a half hour before a Garvinson match against the Halsted Heat in front of the entire team, and smoking out the entire Garvinson clubhouse to the point where the entire team, its staff and two reporters got a pretty gnarly contact high as a result. Garvinson lost the match, 6-0, and Radomia was given a straight red in the first five minutes after running up to the referee with a really goofy smile on his face and going on a tangent about ham sandwiches, fried chicken and conservative politicians from the Garvinson area. We wish we were making this up.
#7 - HERB WATTS | Midfielder | Age: 27 | Kicks: Right | twii.tur: @herbert-w17 | Club: Pinkerton City SC
Style of Play: Defensive Midfielder | Speed: Medium | Physicality: Medium-High | Attitude: Intense
Soccer players in Hapilopper tend to have some very interesting quirks about them. Some get a little too artistic about scoring goals. Others could be put on terrorism watch lists for their violent style of play, while others make their teammates uneasy with what they do. For Herbert Watts, the midfielder from Pinkerton, his quirk tends to involve daytime trash television. Watts loves those trashy talk shows that cover deep, intellectual subjects like "I'm leaving you for my cousin!" and "I discovered my wife is sleeping with a racist!" to the point where these shows - to the chagrin of his teammates - are aired in the Pinkerton clubhouse before practice every morning. Herbert is reportedly an active poster on message boards that discuss these daytime talk shows and wrote a passionate defense of these shows in the Pinkerton Daily Times - saying it was a guilty pleasure of many, but damn it, it's fun to watch, so let us have these shows.
#8 - JARED KELCEY | Midfielder | Age: 24 | Kicks: Left | twii.tur: @jaredkelcey | Club: Capital City United
Style of Play: Offensive (in more than one way) Midfielder | Speed: Fast | Physicality: Heavy (to himself) | Attitude: Clumsy
Following the long tradition of Hapiloppian athletes doing dumb things to themselves, Jared Kelcey has been asked by Capital City United to please not drive himself to the stadium for the good of everyone. This follows an incident where Kelcey apparently got ticketed by Hapilopper City Police for driving the wrong way down a one-way street, going 75 in a 35, and nearly mowing down a church bus full of old ladies going to the community center for their weekly bingo game. This also follows a bizarre incident at Capital Stadium in a match against Peoria where Kelcey tried going for a header, he missed and face-planted the artificial turf with extreme prejudice. This also follows an incident where, not looking where he was going at Capital City's training facility, he smashed into a vending machine, breaking glass and sending snacks flying through the air. This guy might be a walking disaster area, folks, so tread lightly.
#9 - TAD WINSLOW | Midfielder | Age: 26 | Kicks: Right | twii.tur: (none) | Club: FC Surrey
Style of Play: Offensive Midfielder | Speed: Medium-Fast | Physicality: Low | Attitude: Creative
One of a growing breed of Hapiloppian midfielders who can score goals just as well as the strikers, Tad Winslow has been the premier goal scoring threat for FC Surrey, scoring 22 goals last season, oftentimes from some really unusual places and in unusual ways - and we're not just talking about the "bicycle kick past the keeper's head," we're talking "trick shot off the post" kind of goals. And, in truth, Winslow should probably be credited for 23 goals last season, but because of rules concerning own goals, perhaps his wildest trick shot goal (and the wildest trick shot goal probably ever) didn't count to him. In a match against Kingsland Warriors, Winslow fired one directly at Kingsland defenseman Huntley McCullough, striking him directly in the nuts. The ball bounced off McCullough's nuts and into the goal. McCullough doubled over in pain, and to add insult to injury, he got credited with an own goal. Winslow got a yellow card for his impetuosity.
#10 - BEN FAIRCHILD | Forward | Age: 21 | Kicks: Left | twii.tur: @bennyfairchild | Club: Hap City Highway Patrol
Style of Play: Center Forward | Speed: Very Fast | Physicality: Low | Attitude: Professional
The ironic thing about Ben Fairchild playing for a team called the "Highway Patrol" - a team owned by the City Police Brotherhood Union - is that he tends to drive a tad bit too fast out on the road, not letting a little thing like a "speed limit" slow him down. Fairchild, who scored 31 goals for Highway Patrol last season, also racked up 31 speeding tickets in that same time - which he happily pays a few days later, even with an admonishment to "please slow your ass down." Fairchild nearly got himself out of one ticket back in February when he told a police officer that he was so happy he got pulled over, because that meant he'd score a goal in the next match. The officer thought that was funny, but told him to please, good god almighty damn, slow your ass down.
#11 - STAN MCLAMB | Forward | Age: 25 | Kicks: Right | twii.tur: @mclamb11 | Club: Garvinson Trojans
Style of Play: Artistic Goal-Scoring | Speed: Fast | Physicality: Low | Attitude: Asshole
The thing about Stan McLamb is that he's great. He's a genius when it comes to scoring goals - scoring 37 for Garvinson last season. The problem with Stan McLamb is that he's great and he knows it. He wants you to know he's great. He has let his greatness come to his head, and he isn't shy about letting his teammates know that he is not only great, but he's better than anyone else. And that was, to be sure, a red flag for Nathan Ellis when he recruited McLamb. And that was, to be sure, a red flag when Thom Perkins and Ernie Stevenson saw Stan storm straight into the offices of the Hapilopper Football Association demanding his roster spot. But, you see, Nathan loved Stan. He thought he was one of the best goal-scoring ballplayers he had ever seen. And he loved his attitude. Stan lives and dies by "Win the whole f*cking thing," which was Nathan's mantra, and he's going to make damn sure the team does just that.
#21 - DANIEL BRADFORD | Defenseman | Age: 22 | Kicks: Ass | twii.tur: @dannybradford50 | Club: FC Buckridge
Style of Play: Centerback | Speed: Medium | Physicality: Like a pissed-off drunk at a honky tonk | Attitude: Redneck
You know, in most instances Daniel Bradford would be a starting defenseman on a Hapiloppian national team. But those "most instances" don't involve a pissed-off Ernie Stevenson fishing him out of a country and western bar having started a fistfight with some cowboy because Daniel had tried hooking up with his girl. And those "most instances" don't involve throwing a glass of whiskey at said cowboy because he said he was "one of them fancypants soccer players that can't line dance no good." What I guess we're saying is that Dan Bradford starts bar fights, he does stupid things, he's piss-poor at line dancing and he may or may not have told some lady to hit the floor when someone said it was time for a "hoedown," whatever the hell that means. Either way, his bad behavior cost him a starting spot on the Hapiloppian squad, but he might get it back if he does well enough.
#22 - TIM STONE | Defenseman | Age: 23 | Kicks: Right | twii.tur: @tim_stone | Club: United Hampton Cities
Style of Play: Defensive Back | Speed: Medium | Physicality: Medium | Attitude: Calm
So, what do we put in for a player that doesn't really get in trouble, isn't considered a "football terrorist" and doesn't do anything that puts him on any most wanted lists or watch lists? What do we do for a football player who doesn't really have a lot of hobbies outside of playing football? I mean, we could write that Tim Stone is a great defensive player who can stop a goalscoring effort with ease, but damn, that's boring. We were writing that sh*t years ago when we introduced you to the Baptism of Fire squad. And damn, I guess that means Timmy Stone is boring as sh*t. He plays good football, he plays good defense, but he doesn't get in trouble, he doesn't do anything embarrassing and he doesn't make a complete ass of himself. Maybe he should get himself into card trouble more often - it might get him a starting spot on the national team.
#23 - DAVID COLT | Defenseman | Age: 24 | Kicks: Left | twii.tur: @coltman60 | Club: West Hampton Sports Club
Style of Play: Centerback | Speed: Medium | Physicality: Heavy | Attitude: Antisocial
When we go out to interview players, their coaches and some fans for these short profile snippets about members of the Hapiloppian team, usually a trend comes about. Certain people will talk about how a certain player is just the nicest guy, or the fiercest competitor, or the best dressed, or someone they might not want to ride with on the highway. When we asked people about David Colt, their responses were just about the same. "He doesn't have friends," one person said. "He sits at the end of the bar, drinks his beer, and walks away when someone sits next to him. He speaks in monosyllables. His idea of a good time is to stand off to the corner, drink a beer and avoid every single person around him." One teammate suggested it's because he has a miniscule tolerance for bullsh*t; while another suggested he got stuffed in a locker in school by some guy.
#24 - PETER HARDY | Defenseman | Age: 29 | Kicks: Right | twii.tur: @pete_hardy99 | Club: The Soldiers (Hapilopper City)
Style of Play: Defensive Back | Speed: Medium-Slow | Physicality: Heavy | Attitude: Goofball
Last year, the HFA announced, to the bewilderment of many, that kazoos had been outlawed from every single stadium where one of their matches were taking place. When asked why, Dom Probst, the head of the HFA, said "those that know, know. Those that don't, don't need to know." It turns out that Peter Hardy, a kazoo expert (for some reason), had been playing the kazoo in the clubhouse for weeks before the start of games, when Dom Probst, apparently looking for players for the national team, entered the room - while Hardy was playing some children's tune for the sixth time in a row. One player asked Probst to step in. Probst reportedly told Hardy that if he didn't stop with the kazoo, he'd take it from his hands and "ram it so far up your ass you won't even know what hit you." Hardy did exactly that. According to some reports, he is plotting to have the Hapiloppian National Anthem played by a bunch of kazoo players before a Campionato Esportiva match.
#31 - KYLE NICHOLSON | Midfielder | Age: 26 | Kicks: Right | twii.tur: @kyle_nick | Club: Washington FC
Style of Play: Offensive Midfielder | Speed: Medium | Physicality: Medium | Attitude: Redneck
Pickup truck enthusiast Kyle Nicholson was a surprising selection to the Hapiloppian football squad, likely because of the constantly-poor standard of play from Washington FC, constant bottom-dwellers in the HFA standings and the one team everyone points as as the biggest argument in favor of introducing promotion and relegation into Hapiloppian football. But the one high point on that team is Kyle Nicholson, who impresses fans and experts alike with his strong play. In a recent game against Soldiers, where Washington was trounced 7-0, Nicholson was seen as the only reason they didn't get shut out 10-0. Some have said he is "the only reason Washington wins any games at all" and "if he was on another team, he'd be on a first-place team." Away from the pitch, Nicholson enjoys going off-roading on his lifted pickup truck.
#32 - COLIN FINLEY | Midfielder | Age: 28 | Kicks: Right | twii.tur: (banned from twii.tur) | Club: Raceway FC
Style of Play: Hybrid Midfielder | Speed: Medium | Physicality: Heavy | Attitude: Drunk
You know, there is a such thing as too much of a good thing. Just ask Colin "Wild Dog" Finley, midfielder for Raceway Football Club in Buckridge, nicknamed not because of his wild standard of play, nor because of his tendency to visit the Laughing Dog Bar and Grill in nearby Kensington Town, but rather because of his love of Wild Dog, a form of cheap, fortified wine, also known as a "bum wine" - which you can get for $5 at the local liquor store or gas station. It's this love of Wild Dog that got him banned from multiple social media outlets a few months ago. As he got rip-roaringly drunk after a match, Finley let loose his opinions, which were a little too spicy for anyone's liking, and that got him kicked out. As for those opinions? We'll leave those out, and we'll let you look those up on your own time (and because I don't want to get DEAT'd for a roster post -Hap)
#33 - RORY SCHUYLER | Midfielder | Age: 27 | Kicks: Right | twii.tur: @roaringrory | Club: West Hampton Sports Club
Style of Play: Hybrid Midfielder | Speed: Fast | Physicality: Heavy | Attitude: Asshole
Oh god, it's this guy. He exudes "douchebag" at every angle. He plays like a douchebag. He looks like a douchebag. He acts like a douchebag. He has hair like a douchebag. Three years in a row, he's won H-Sports Magazine "Guy You'd Like To Punch In The Face" award. Each of those years, he was nominated by one of his teammates. So, why does Rory Schuyler stay on the West Hampton Sports Club, and why did he get a spot on the national team? Because even if he's got the most punchable face in Hapiloppian sports, and even if Rod Cutt may physically introduce Rory's head to his ass by the time the Campionato Esportiva is over, he's still a damn fine midfielder, and still a crucial piece of any team's goalscoring effort, or any sort of defensive campaign that can stop a goal from being scored. That said, we think everyone is cheering for Rod to keel-haul this guy on live television.
#34 - TRACY HUNTER | Midfielder | Age: 19 | Kicks: Right | twii.tur: @trace_hunter | Club: The Soldiers (Hapilopper City)
Style of Play: Offensive Midfielder | Speed: Medium | Physicality: Medium | Attitude: Professional
It's easy to spot Tracy Hunter outside of Capital Stadium in Hapilopper City. He's the guy that looked like he just stepped out of 1986. (Compared to most Hapiloppians, who look like they stepped out of 1996) That comes complete with mullet, aviator sunglasses, white suit jacket with the sleeves rolled up, black t-shirt underneath, blue acid-washed jeans and loafers with no socks, as he gets out of a 1980s Preston Skychief. It's also easy to spot Tracy Hunter inside Capital Stadium. He's the false nine for the team, scoring two dozen goals last year. He's one not getting in trouble, letting some of the hot dogs do that for him. The girls love him - and one recent magazine called Tracy "the sexiest schmuck in Hapiloppian soccer." He's on the bench, however, for the national team. Why? He's only 19 years old. Thom Perkins calls him "a starter for the future."
#41 - TREVOR CRISP | Forward | Age: 25 | Kicks: Right | twii.tur: @crispy_trevor | Club: North Hampton FC
Style of Play: Center Forward | Speed: Fast | Physicality: Low | Attitude: Calm
Had Stan McLamb not stormed into the HFA offices demanding his spot as starting 11 back, Trevor Crisp would have had the role. Some say he's faster, some say he's better, many say he's less controversial. He scored 41 goals last year for North Hampton, including five in one match against Lake Sprague after their keeper, Fox Humbert, knocked his dumb ass out by faceplanting the goalpost for the third time that season. But what Crisp has going against him, as well as Ellis's love for McLamb, is his attitude. Many say he's not tough enough and he's not hungry enough to get past that hump that would make him the top striker in Hapiloppian football. Ernie Stevenson is reportedly not high on him either, largely because of that complacent attitude.
#42 - CRAIG BLACKWOOD | Forward | Age: 23 | Kicks: Right | twii.tur: @thebeststriker | Club: United Hampton Cities
Style of Play: Artistic Goal Scorer | Speed: Fast | Physicality: Medium | Attitude: Obnoxious
Craig Blackwood calls himself the best goal scorer in all of Hapiloppian football. Everyone disagrees. He calls his celebrations the best in football. Everyone disagrees. He calls his goals the most beautiful in all of Hapiloppian football. Everyone disagrees. Sure, 29 goals is nothing to sniff at, but as Thom Perkins said, "he'd score 59 if he'd quit hot dogging all the time!" While Blackwood is seen as an annoying cuss who probably needs to get punched in the face a few times to get him to stop doing this sh*t, the reality is that he's got great potential as an international footballer, either in Hapilopper or beyond. And that's why Thom Perkins and Ernie Stevenson doesn't really have that much of a problem with him. While Trevor Crisp refuses to get better, Craig Blackwood wants to be the best, and that, to them, is a good thing.
#60 - MANNY WAKEFIELD | Goalkeeper | Age: 24 | Kicks: Right | twii.tur: @manwake_60 | Club: Hapilopper City Highway Patrol
Style of Play: Sweeper Keeper | Speed: Slow | Physicality: Low | Attitude: Intense
Here's the thing about Manny Wakefield - he's a good guy, he does a lot of good in his community, but man, when you get him on the field, he becomes a bulldog. People have seen the fire in his eyes that demonstrates the intense focus he practices. And that focus pays off in spades, as Manny averages one goal allowed per 77 minutes of play - much lower than top-tier goalies from years past, but as "Funball" takes hold in Hapilopper, so too does increased goals. People are scoring goals like crazy, and that's had an impact on someone like Manny. Manny hates the fact that goal-scoring has gone up so much in Hapilopper, but he's going to have to make the most of it, or else. Away from the field, though, Manny enjoys a nice round of golf and talking to his friends about it - and when we say that, we mean he brags about hitting the green from the tee on the par-3 16th at Lake Eclipse Golf Club using his driver, which he says is justifiable because the hole was playing about 220.
#90 - FOX HUMBERT | Goalkeeper | Age: 21 | Kicks: Left | twii.tur: @fox_humbert | Club: Lake Sprague FC
Style of Play: Save and Pray | Speed: Slow | Physicality: Against the goalpost? Very heavy | Attitude: Clumsy
We introduce you to the reason Hapiloppian television networks put microphones in the goalposts in HFA matches, and why the HFA tracks the number of times players slam into the goalposts. That statistic, a bit cruelly, is called the "Fox," and Humbert led the league in Foxes with eleven last year. This tends to happen, for whatever reason. And this keeps happening. Humbert will - with reckless abandon - slam himself into players, the goalpost, and even an errant referee or photographer on occasion. Perhaps most hilariously, in a game against Highway Patrol last season, Humbert - for reasons unknown to us all - chased after the ball towards the corner kick area, jumped up, and when he landed, had that corner kick flag go right up his rear end. Don't ask us why.
