With Generation Z keening and lamenting over the break-up of Love Islanders Molly-Mae and Tommy, I’m slightly put out that nobody’s paying more attention to the one starstruck couple still very much together, despite everyone’s best efforts.
I’m talking about Butch and Sunita. Two bona fide seasoned Nasa astronauts stranded in space.
They set off on an eight-day mission to test Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft, and certify it for human flights, back in early June. Two months on, Barry “Butch” Wilmore and Sunita “Suni” Williams are still stranded in the International Space Station (ISS), due to technical issues. Thruster failures and helium leaks, if that’s helpful.
Now we learn they might have to remain there until next February. Oh, and there’s a risk they could be vaporised on their way back down to Earth. Think on that next time you start moaning that your EasyJet flight to Palma is delayed.
On the bright side, I’m not sure the pair will need to write up their planned report as the conclusion is glaringly obvious. Engineers on the ground can’t find the root cause of the problems, despite rigorous testing of hardware and throwing switches remotely in space. Until they have established Starliner is safe, they won’t authorise a return.
The backup option is hitching a lift with a SpaceX craft which is due to set off for the space station any day now. But it is not due to return until next year, so they would be drafted onto the crew and stay up there – until February.
Butch, 61, was previously a fighter pilot and is now a pastor who places his faith in God. Retired US Navy captain Suni, 58, misses walking her rescue dogs Gunner and Rotor, and has brought their dog tags to the station.
While their knowledge of systems integrated testing is surely unrivalled and their professional resilience beyond doubt, I can’t help wondering what on earth are they doing in their downtime?
As it was planned as an eight-day mission, nobody will have thought to pack the draughts board although, on reflection, not the best game for weightlessness. Ditto Uno and you can forget Monopoly: who knows where that Scottie dog will hit you in zero gravity?
Most of us go stir crazy if forced to spend a wet bank holiday weekend up close and personal with a loved one. How then to manage the uncertainty, the intimacy, the sheer boredom of living side by side with colleagues (there are four Americans and three Russians up there already) for months, with no end in sight?
Is it creepy of me to suggest a daily podcast would be a phenomenal idea? A sort of Truman Show insight into how human beings cope in a simulated environment. Science meets prurient entertainment equals a winning combo.
That’s assuming they can come up with whip-smart repartee, cameo appearances by celebrity space dwellers – Clangers bobbing up at the window, Major Tom floating round his tin can – and above all, a God Bless America Disney ending of dogs (Suni), children (Butch) and tearful hugs (everyone).
No? Well how about singing? I’ve always considered it a duty for every adult to be able to sing a song – or even better two – from start to finish just in case you ever happen to be kidnapped and held for ransom by Somali pirates. Or trapped in the queue for a ferry at Dover.
If you’re sitting under a tarp for a year, you will certainly need to draw on your own resources for entertainment; nine astronauts, 18 songs. That’s a major highlight of any day. My family are quite critical, comparing me to John Candy inTrains, Planes and Automobiles as he overrides Steve Martin’s poignant rendition ofThree Coins In The Fountain by urging the entire coach to singMeet the Flintstones.
But then who wouldn’t prefer to belt out The Flintstones? It’s impossible to keep a straight face. And as for the endorphin and oxytocin-boost – it’s just what’s needed if they do end up staying in space for eight months instead of eight days.
There are precedents; in 1991 Soviet cosmonaut Sergei Krikalev found himself stuck on board the USSR’s Mir space station. He ended up spending 311 days in space and by the time he returned, the Soviet Union had ceased to exist.
No danger of that but apparently the Starliner pair remain chipper thanks to FaceTiming with family throughout the day. Suni’s husband, Michael, toldThe Wall Street Journal that space was “her happy place, even if she had to be there indefinitely”.
Butch’s wife, Deanna, is just as phlegmatic: “He just takes it that the Lord is in control” and with that belief comes peace of mind.
They say that in space no one can hear you scream. But it’s nice to know little sighs of contentment are broadcast loud and clear. Why, it’s enough to make the rest of mankind feel envious.
